Bug = 4 years 4 months
Bub = 2 years 6 months Linus at this age
Bud = 10 months 17 days Linus at this age – Ada at this age

The Theory

The parenting podcasts I’ve been listening to for the past few months (‘Humans Being‘ and ‘Parenting for Humanity‘) have inspired me to try to focus more on a relationship with my children that’s about communication and respect rather than authority and control.

With this in mind, I’m trying to compare interactions with my children with how I would (usually!) interact with my husband or mother in the same situation. If I find that I’ve acted differently to my child than I would to an adult in my family, to my best to adjust my wording or behaviour if necessary.

The Practice

A beautiful example occurred the other day. Linus wanted to take his headlamp to Playcentre, and I said OK. Later on when we were about to leave, he was waiting in the car and I went to lock the door – I saw his headlamp sitting inside on the floor and my thinking went thus:

*sigh* He wanted to take it and now he’s left it behind. Well I’ve locked the door already and I don’t really want him to take it anyway – he might break it or forget it or it might cause fights. Besides, he probably won’t even remember that he wanted it. And if he does remember, it will teach him to remember this time!

…suddenly podcasters Sarah, Amy, and Lisa are sitting on my shoulder nudging me…

Wow. There is no way I would do this if it were Bob in the car. I’d unlock the door, open it, grab the headlamp, close the door, lock the door, go to the car, and hand him what he’d forgotten. Ok, there would definitely be some hassling or a pointed comment or snide remark – depending on what mood I’m in – but no way would I leave the forgotten item inside to teach him a lesson.

And I got the headlamp for my son.

I’ve always believed that modelling behaviour is very important, but I’m now realising that this includes helping our children, doing them favours, not always demanding tit-for-tat, not obsessing over who tidies whose mess, and generally acting kindly towards each other.

Bug = 4 years 4 months
Bub = 2 years 6 months Linus at this age
Bud = 10 months 16 days Linus at this age – Ada at this age

Recently Linus has had a couple of social moments on playgrounds that have been painful for me, and while my brain has always known it would happen, my heart is catching up to the idea of what it’s going to feel like for the rest of my life every time one of my children is teased or laughed at or called names or disliked or rejected or judged or exposed to suffering in any of the other myriad ways there are to be hurt by other people.

Can’t say I like it much.

Bug = 4 years 4 months
Bub = 2 years 6 months Linus at this age
Bud = 10 months 15 days Linus at this age – Ada at this age

Zoe is…

• laughing
• crawling
• confidently pulling herself to standing
• occasionally “cruising” around furniture
• just starting to copy sounds we make
• saying “mama” and “dada” a lot… but not with any meaning
• showing increased awareness of her hands – might soon be waving, pointing, etc.
• is getting more co-ordinated at drinking from a sippy cup and using a spoon
• sleeping well (although only having a couple of short naps during the day)
• having a good time at Playcentre with people other than me
• going to bed at the same time as her brother and sister and sleeping all evening (with just the occasional, easy-to-settle wake up)
• having long spells away from me (with Nana or Daddy) with no problems.

She loves her big brother, and he loves picking her up and carrying her around. He’s very careful with her, for the most part. They also enjoy chatting to each other – today they were mimicking each other in a series of (escalating!) squeals. And Linus loves sitting next to her at the table during meals, and giggles insanely when she grabs his plate with her G0-G0-Gadget-arms or reaches out to him with her sticky hands. The only time she upsets him is when she gets in front of the TV. The only time he upsets her is when he decides that she needs to be trapped somewhere for his convenience.

Ada is also fond of Zoe, but less verbal about it (although she loves calling her “Missy Moo”). Her favourite expression of sisterly affection is lying on top of Zoe on the floor and wriggling around and bouncing on her. Zoe seems to enjoy it!

Bug = 4 years 4 months
Bub = 2 years 6 months Linus at this age
Bud = 10 months 15 days Linus at this age – Ada at this age

I’m trying out a new plan for how my days operate. This has been spurred on by a few things:

• Guilt about doing housework when I “should” be spending time with my kids.
• Guilt about playing with my kids when I “should” be getting housework* done.
• Guilt about doing housework quickly by myself when I “should” be sharing the tasks with my children for everyone’s long-term wellbeing.
• Guilt about losing my temper with the kids when they try to help with tasks and fool around/make messes/want to do EVERYTHING.
• Frustration at not having any “me” time.
• Idle wondering about how I’ll manage being answerable to the MOE, my family, and MYSELF when it comes to officially home-schooling.
• Guilt about how much screen time the kids are having.

My days since Zoe was born have operated according to physical needs (eg naps, nappies) and outside engagements (eg Playcentre, coffee groups). But for my own sanity it’s time to get more structure. I’ve worked out the following guideline for my day.

• 7:00 – 9:30 Breakfast, dishes, washing, dressing
• 9:30 – 11:30 Kid-focus: Energetic play (e.g. walking, playground, play-fighting, dancing, outside time)
• 11:30 – 12:30 Lunch
• 12:30 – 2:00 Zoe nap, tea preparation
• 2:00 – 4:30 Kid-focus: Working/playing (e.g. baking, gardening, visiting)
• 4:30 – 6:00 Tea-making

This structure is not intended to be rigid (and is slightly different on Playcentre days). It’s designed as a tool:

• To help keep me in the moment. When I’m in the “fun” zones of spending time with the kids, I don’t need to be secretly stressing about what’s for tea or how it’s going to get made because I’ll already have it sorted or have the time allotted fir sorting it.
• To limit screen time naturally. Every time I’ve seen my kids sitting in front of the TV for hours recently, I’ve felt torn. I can be so productive while they’re doing it, but I so want for them to have better options available to choose. With four hours a day allotted in my head as being dedicated to focusing on them and being with them (in play or work), plus mealtimes and other necessary calls on their time, they won’t be left with lots of opportunity for screen time. (Of course, if that’s what they WANT to do during the four hours, I won’t stop them, but I’m optimistic that they’d rather read or bake or play-fight with Mum or go to a playground or hunt for bugs or puddle with syringes and food colouring or put dishes away more often than not.) Then if they’re liitle zombies in front of the TV from 4:30 every day while I make tea, I won’t be mentally beating myself up!
• Tea is sorted. For the past month or two I’ve been planning the week’s meals in advance, and it’s worked well. The most difficult part about making a meal sesms to be deciding what to have. Once the decision’s made, I can usually find the time to make it.

*When I say “housework”, I’m not meaning dusting skirting boards, polishing silverware, and ironing curtains – I mean the basic necessities of producing healthy and economical meals and having enough clean dry clothed to wear!