Bug = 2 years 3 months
Bub = 5 months 13 days
Daddy (trying to lift him into bed): “You’re all floppy!”
Linus: “No, I’m a good boy!”
Bug = 2 years 3 months
Bub = 5 months 12 days
I’ve recently read a book called “Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush” (as mentioned by my favourite parenting blogger, Good Enough Mum). One pearl of wisdom I took from the book is that it’s easy for parents of two to become a little complacent (i.e. smug) after a few months of harmonious sibling relations, only to come rudely crashing back to earth as jealousy, aggression, regression, and other “bad” behaviour arises in the toddler.
CRASH!!!My beloved boy, who is affectionate and caring and funny and loquacious, has become a hitting horror! He hits Daddy… he occasionally hits Mummy… he hits other children when they interfere with “his” toys (and all toys are his!)… he hits or kicks the cats… and he frequently hits Ada!
His attacks on other children are provoked by possessiveness over toys, and I’ve had to leave the last couple of coffee groups I’ve been at in response to his behaviour.
However his attacks on us and Ada are different – they are very controlled (over half the time, they don’t quite hurt Ada), and seem designed just to provoke a reaction from us. They are decidedly not when he is bothered by anything in particular – they come at random, quiet moments.
Handling this is providing Mummy, Daddy, and Nana with a real discipline challenge. Our gut tells us to react strongly when he makes an unprovoked attack a poor, defenceless baby. But we also feel that that’s exactly what he’s bargaining on, so we’re reluctant to give him the satisfaction.
Our actions have been:
It’s hard to know how much he understands. After recent incidents, I asked him a couple of times why he’d hit Ada, and he replied “Because I was rough”. I think “Why” questions are a bit beyond him at this stage.
When he hits again after he’s just done it, or hits Ada very hard, I tend to make him leave the room and shut him out for a while (e.g. 30 seconds or a minute). But I suspect that part of him enjoys this sometimes, the way he trots out of the room like it’s his role in a family ritual.
Why is he doing this? A lot of literature suggests that this is the behaviour of a frustrated toddler who cannot verbally communicate his wants and needs, but this shouldn’t be the case with our little motormouth. So why does he do it? (“What have we done wrong?” she cried!)
A lot of literature also suggests that this is a phase, and that it will pass. Which means that we’ll never know whether our actions exacerbated it, resolved it, or had no effect. Excellent.
This is a confusing, babbling blog post. Because we’re confused. We’re ill-equipped. We’re in (at least!) two minds. We’re sad and angry and disappointed.
Bug = 2 years 3 months
Bub = 5 months 12 days
Since Linus has been walking, there’s hasn’t been much need to wear him in a sling. However a couple of times in past months my big boy has been clingy, grizzly, and wanting “up”, and I decided that because he’s heavy and I wanted to be able to get things done in peace (and with a clean Mummy-conscience), I’d try carrying him on my hip in the ring sling. (It’s either that or read him his 400th story for the day!)
When I first tried it with two-year-old Linus, part of me expected that once he was in the sling, he’d decide that it was too babyish and that he wanted his freedom back, but quite the contrary! My big, independent boy turned into a cuddly, affectionate baby fascinated by what Mummy was doing.
He is a big boy, and carrying him in the sling isn’t sustainable for huge amounts of time, but I have resolved to do it more often – before he gets grizzly! – to reconnect with him.
Bug = 2 years 3 months
Bub = 5 months 11 days
I don’t know about you, but my expectation is that the majority of second-time parents are more “relaxed” about their second child than about their first. With Ada, I’ve found this to be true in a lot of ways. One example is that I hardly ever “try” to get her to sleep. She gets a lot of opportunity to sleep, and if she doesn’t take it, I’m too busy with housework and meeting a toddler’s needs to obsess over it. (Yes, I acknowledge this could be attributable to different personalities in the babies – some mothers I know have had a much harder time with their second child!)
One area in which I’m far less relaxed is in regards to her need to be with me, and I think this is because of my involvement with La Leche League and the (informally) associated philosophy of “Attachment Parenting“. Whereas with baby Linus I would let Daddy or Nana “take over” to try to soothe him if he was crying, I’m far less willing to do so with Ada.
He Can’t Be HungryFor one thing, if Linus had “just” had a feed, I’d figure that that wasn’t the problem and therefore Daddy or Nana were as equipped to comfort him as I was, and that it was good for all concerned if Linus could be comforted by a few different people who loved him. With Ada, I see breastfeeding as more than physical nourishment, and I’m more than happy to “use” nursing as a way to comfort her when she needs it. I’d rather have her contentedly suckling than screaming in my ear while I’m trying to work out why she’s not happy.
I also think that when I had Linus, my expectation was “babies cry”, as if long periods of crying were a normal – even healthy – part of infancy. Now I believe that it’s our responsibility as parents to try to meet our babies’ needs (which include needs for closeness and touch, not just food, sleep, and dry nappies), and that crying is the babies’ last resort when it comes to communicating their needs.
Finally, whether a mother is breastfeeding or not, she was “home” to the baby for 24 hours a day for nine months. Is it any surprise that babies don’t appreciate being physically separated from that mother for 12 or more hours a day from the day they’re born?
Unless there’s a real need for me not to hold Ada, I try much harder not to let her cry than I did with Linus. If my holding her – with or without feeding – will make her stop crying, that’s what I’m willing to do. I’m no angel… it often annoys me, sometimes I even resent it like hell, but it’s my job.
I feel awful for Daddy and Nana when they can’t comfort her like they can Linus, and I feel a bit like the bad guy when I take Ada off them so quickly, but I think that I have to put her needs above theirs, and – particularly for the past few weeks – it’s Mummy that Ada wants, and no one else will do!
In our Western cultures, making children “independent” seems to get undue emphasis, rather than an acceptance that independence is achieved by establishing strong, secure dependence in the early days that naturally evolves into independence. We readily accept developmental stages in terms of physical development like walking and using a knife and fork… perhaps we should be striving to do the same with our children’s emotional development!
Bug = 2 years 3 months
Bub = 5 months 9 days
This morning I started reading a book to Linus. The first page had about 20 bumblebees on it. I touched each one in turn, saying “Buzz! Buzz!…”
Linus gently removed my hand from the book and said, with concern, “They might hurt you!”
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